Laser Mission

Laser Mission (1989), Turner Entertianment

Gee, who would have guessed that a film I had never heard of, made in the late 80’s, which I found in a box set of 50 “Sci-fi” movies could have possibly been bad? I mean, I did; but I still watched it anyways. How this thing found its way in a collection of Sci-fi movies is beyond me, because there is not a single laser to be seen in this film! I’m sure the producers at Mill Creek saw this thing and thought, “Well, I mean, it says ‘laser’ in the title so...Sci-fi!” At very least while watching Laser Mission I was hoping for a sort of “so bad, it’s good” kind of flick. Unfortunately, what I got was “so bad, it’s awkward and boring.”

The film stars the late Brandon Lee (The Crow), playing American mercenary, Michael Gold who is hired by the CIA to rescue German scientist, Professor Braun (Ernest Borgnine) from the KGB. The KGB plan to force Braun to build a virtually unstoppable laser cannon, powered by a recently stolen diamond. When things go awry, it’s up to Gold and his female companion (of course later turned love interest, this is the 80’s after all) played by Debi Monahan (Laser Mission was her top result on IMDB, if that tells you anything), to get the job done. From there, it’s a “gripping” hour and a half full of crappy dialogue, awkward attempts at humor, characters wandering around the desert, and absolutely no lasers. Seriously, out of all the crap I had to endure while watching this thing, the serious lack of lasers was what bothered me the most. But let’s be honest, was it really all that bad?

One thing I do have to give credit for in this film is the action. My thoughts when watching a bad movie is that, if it’s written poorly, it at very least should be entertaining. Thus, over-the-top action sequences are always welcome in my book. And there are a few memorable moments to speak of, namely a decently shot car chase, followed later by our heroes raiding an enemy base armed with a single rocket launcher and a Volkswagen van. Other than that, the action is fairly mundane; not directed well enough to be cool and thrilling, but not bad enough to be enjoyably campy (see the end of Blood Debts to get what I mean by the latter). The only thing which would have made the action that much better is if they were to go all out with the violence. For example there’s a moment when Lee is escaping a prison before almost being executed via beheading, where he dodges an attack by a guard, hurling the guard head first into the stocks of a guillotine. Lee cuts the rope, sending the blade hurling down toward the head of the would-be attacker...and that’s where the film cuts to the next scene. No blood, no over-the-top action gore, just boring.

The acting in this movie is just bad. Not The Room bad, to the point where its comedic, just bad and awkward. Don’t even get me started on the “romance” between Lee and Monahan; I’ve seen two planks of wood with more chemistry than these two. Characters converse in about the manner you would expect from a B-movie action flick from the 80’s, and by that I mean like a high school play.

Bottom line, Laser Mission is the little film that couldn’t. Close as it may have come to being an enjoyably bad action movie, it never quite “jumped the shark” so to speak, to be great a film to laugh at and enjoy with friends. If you’re so inclined, maybe give it a watch, but don’t go in with high hopes.

Overall rating: Bad, Just Bad

Entertainment Value: Better Get Comfy